How to Discover Your Attachment Style (With a link to a Free, In-Depth Quiz)
When it comes to relationships, most of us want the same things: connection, safety, attunement, and love. We want to feel seen, supported, and understood by our partners. But the truth is, the way we show up in love isn't just about who we're dating or married to. It's deeply tied to the way we've learned to connect since childhood.
This is where attachment styles come in.
Understanding your attachment style can be one of the most powerful steps in building healthier, more secure relationships. It gives you a starting point for understanding why you react the way you do. Whether that's pulling back when things get too close, spiraling into worry when you sense distance, or feeling unusually calm and steady in moments where other people might panic.
I've worked with countless clients who describe feeling confused by their own reactions in love. They'll say things like, "I don't recognize myself when I'm in a relationship," or "I feel like I go from confident and capable to insecure and needy the moment I care about someone." If you've ever felt this way, you're not alone.
Let's dig into what attachment styles are, why they matter, and how you can discover yours today.
What Are Attachment Styles?
Attachment styles are patterns of relating that begin in childhood, usually in response to how we were cared for by our primary caregivers. As children, we depend on the people raising us for safety, love, and survival. When those needs are consistently met with warmth and responsiveness, we tend to develop a secure attachment style. When they're met inconsistently, unpredictably, or not at all, we may develop one of the insecure attachment styles.
There are four main attachment styles most people talk about:
Secure Attachment – You're generally comfortable with closeness and independence. You trust that your partner cares about you, and you can handle conflict or disconnection without spiraling.
Anxious Attachment – You crave closeness and reassurance, but you often worry your partner will leave, lose interest, or not care enough.
Avoidant Attachment – You value independence and may pull away when things get too close or emotionally intense. Vulnerability might feel uncomfortable or unsafe.
Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment – You want connection, but closeness can also feel threatening. You might swing between craving intimacy and pushing it away.
These aren't rigid boxes. They're more like patterns on a spectrum. And while they start in childhood, they can shift over time through relationships, therapy, and self-awareness.
How Attachment Styles Show Up in Everyday Life
Attachment isn't just theory. It plays out in those small, everyday moments with your partner.
Let me paint a picture:
Your partner comes home from work later than expected. Their face is tight, they're short with their words, and they toss their bag down on the counter.
If you lean anxious, your brain might immediately start scanning: Did I say something wrong earlier? Did I forget to text back? Are they mad at me? You may feel panic and start searching for reassurance.
If you lean avoidant, you might feel irritation rising: Why are they bringing this energy into the house? I don't want to deal with this right now. You may shut down or retreat into another room.
If you lean secure, you might notice their mood and think: They must've had a rough day. You'll check in with them without taking their mood personally.
Do you see how the same scenario can trigger such different internal reactions? That's the power of attachment style. It colors the way we interpret and respond to the world around us.
And often, people notice their attachment style most when it feels like their reaction doesn't "match" how they usually see themselves.
When You Don't Feel Like Yourself
Have you ever had a moment in your relationship where you acted so out of character that you even surprised yourself?! Maybe you're usually calm and thoughtful, but suddenly your heart rate has increased, you're crying, panicking, or texting your partner over and over. Or maybe you're usually expressive and emotionally open, but you find yourself shutting down and retreating.
Later, once you've cooled off, guilt and shame creep in. You might think, Why did I act like that? That's not me.
Here's what I want you to hear:
This is not about being "too much" or "not enough." It's about old wiring that was put in place long before you had the tools or words to understand what was happening. These reactions often started in childhood, when your nervous system was learning what closeness and connection meant.
Instead of beating yourself up, try to bring compassion to those moments. Your attachment style is not a flaw; it's an adaptation. And learning about it gives you the power to change your relationship with it.
Why Discovering Your Attachment Style Matters
So why should you care about your attachment style? Isn't it just another label?
Not at all.
Here's what understanding your style can do for you:
Self-Awareness – You'll understand why certain situations trigger you, and you'll catch patterns more quickly.
Empathy for Your Partner – When you know your own attachment style, you'll also get curious about theirs. This builds compassion and reduces blame.
Better Communication – Instead of fighting about "the thing" (like not answering a text), you can talk about what's really underneath (the fear of disconnection).
Hope and Healing – You'll see that attachment styles are not fixed. With effort, relationships, and self-work, you can move toward security.
The Best Free Attachment Style Quiz I Recommend
There are a lot of attachment quizzes out there, but not all of them are equal. Some are surface-level, some give you confusing results, and some don't offer much support after you take them.
As a therapist, the one I consistently recommend is The Attachment Project's Quiz.
Here's why:
The questions are thoughtful and based on solid research.
The results give you more than just one result, and they explain each style to both parents, partner (current or past), and the general population.
They offer ongoing resources to help you keep learning.
Their work is progressive and continues to evolve as the research does.
I've had clients take this quiz and come back with insights that completely shifted how they viewed themselves in relationships. It's not about putting yourself in a box. It's about having language for what you've already felt but maybe didn't understand.
Moving Forward: What to Do With Your Results
Once you take the quiz and learn your attachment style, you might wonder: Okay, now what?
Here are some steps I often walk clients through:
Get Curious, Not Judgmental
Don't label your style as "bad" or "good." Think of it as data. You're learning about your nervous system, not diagnosing your worth.
Talk About It With Your Partner
Share what you learned. Invite them to take the quiz, too. Then have a conversation about how your styles interact.
Notice Triggers in Real Time
When you feel panic, withdrawal, or overthinking creeping in, take a moment and ask yourself: Is this about now, or is this past hurt showing up for me?
Practice Self-Compassion
Remember that shame won't help you change. Compassion will. Be gentle with yourself as you notice these patterns.
Consider Therapy
Working with a therapist can help you discover these patterns and understand them more deeply. Therapy gives you a safe space to practice new ways of relating.
The Bigger Picture: Healing and Growth Are Possible
One of the most hopeful parts of attachment theory is that your style is not set in stone.
Yes, you may be anxious, avoidant, or disorganized. But with self-awareness, supportive relationships, and sometimes therapy, you can move toward secure attachment.
I've seen people who once felt consumed by jealousy or fear of abandonment learn to trust and thrive in relationships. I've seen people who swore they'd never let anyone in begin to open up and feel safe with closeness.
It's possible. It takes time, compassion, and courage. But believe me, it's possible.
A Final Note From Me
If you're reading this and recognizing yourself, know that there is nothing "wrong" with you. Think of it like a map of where you've been.
Learning about your attachment style is like turning on the light in a room you've been stumbling around in for years. Suddenly, you can see what's been happening, and you can choose a new way forward.
If you want to take that first step, I recommend starting with The Attachment Project's Free Quiz.
Take it with an open mind. See what resonates. And then, instead of judging yourself, get curious: How does this show up in my relationships? What might I want to shift?
You deserve love that feels steady, safe, and connected. And discovering your attachment style is one of the best ways to start moving toward it.